Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
