and you said cock pushups were impossible
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
