I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
