My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
