Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
