I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
