Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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