I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
