it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
