So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
