remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You were trust falling into bushes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
