If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
