can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
