From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
