i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
