Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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