We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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