He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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