Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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