I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
