you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
