I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's shark week go big or go home
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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