At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
