Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
