Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
