i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
