Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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