Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
two words: eviction party
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
