i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
