His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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