John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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