Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
