i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
