does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
