Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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