I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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