guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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