There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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