WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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