I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His hands were made for my vagina.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
