I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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