There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
