what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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