I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
