I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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