She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
