My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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