I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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