I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
