i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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