farters have to be the big spoon...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I came so hard my ears popped.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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