Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
