Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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