Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this just has baby written all over it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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