every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
