theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
