My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
