I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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